Dear Larry,

My son's social studies teacher has been grading his work very harshly with little written comments on them, except usually a "?". She rated a homework assignment a "1" out of a possible "5". When he approached her desk as class was dismissed, he asked why he was rated a one. She took offense to this and yelled at him. She called me and said he had raised his voice, slammed his hands on the desk, and ripped the paper out of her hands. I explained to her that what she described did not sound like my son at all.

A short time later, my son called from the school asking that I come get him. He said he had a headache and stomach ache and that he had had a problem at school. When I picked him up he was in tears. He said he never raised his voice, never slammed his hands, and never grabbed the paper. He gave me names of some students that witnessed him at her desk and all said that he was not yelling, never slammed the desk, and did not rip the paper from the teachers hands.

I left a message with the teacher to call me. She not only returned my call, but it was a conference call with all of my son's teachers. They use a team system at this school so teachers and students have color coded teams. I was treated with complete disrespect, I was told to refer to the teacher as Ms. and not just her last name. I had referred to her as "Ms."!! They even hung up on me.

My son is a A and B student. He has never been a discipline problem and has never even been in trouble once. I have never seen him lose his temper. I have never seen him slam anything. He has been selected by the school in the past as a sort of peer tutor with new students. I am at a loss. All the other teachers on the team say he has never been a problem and never disrespectful to them yet they believe this teachers' account. She is a new teacher to the town but she said this is her 5th year teaching. My husband and I are meeting with the "team" next week.

Also, on the day this happened, they told my son it was mandatory for him to attend their daily team meeting. He went and they accused him of yelling etc, and he interrupted them because it wasn't true. They told him he was being disrespectful for interrupting and force him to apologize to the teacher he had supposedly "approached inappropriately" at her desk. No one called me about this meeting.

I am not a "not my kid" mother. I have 2 other sons in college so I know kids do the wrong thing sometimes but my son vehemently denies these accusations. The children that witnessed this are not close friends. He wasn't even sure of one of their last names yet they say he did not do any of the things this teacher accuses him of. Please offer some advice.

Sincerely,
At A Loss

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Dear At A Loss,
Seems like there's a lot of emotion wrapped up in this, and if everything is exactly the way you describe it, there's a couple of things that just don't add up.

The first thing I would start with is to ask an administrator to be present, or at least be aware of the meeting. These situations are normally handled at the teacher/student/parent level, but this is fast becoming an unusual situation. I also suggest bring some of the homework from this teacher to the meeting. It's best that everyone knows about his work history, especially if what's happening now doesn't match with what he's done in the past.

It is very important that you know what you (and your son) want from this team of teachers that you aren't getting. It's also important to know what they want that they feel they aren'tgetting as well. If there is one thing I would encourage you to do, it is to LISTEN. Let them go first and say what they want to say. It's important that you don't interrupt and let them be heard all the way. Ask questions about what they tell you, not in a challenging tone, but to get their version of what's happening. Take notes, and ask each teacher on the team for an update. If either of you hear something you don't agree with, breathe slowly and deeply and keep listening!

Once it's you and your child's turn to speak, the teachers will be obligated to give you the same
courtesy you gave them. This is why it is so important for you to listening when they speak. If they do not give you the same consideration, you'll have a good idea that your son was telling you the truth and you'll have an easier time taking to the next step. If an administrator is in the room he or she will see it as well.

But this all leads back to the next step. What is it you want? Is it for this teacher to treat your
child differently, or for the grading to be looked at again? You and your son should decide on
some specific things you'd like to see change. Then bring these requests to the meeting. Make
sure you have things you are willing to give in return (if the teachers say they want respect it will be simple since your son is already giving it!).

And again, if things fall apart in the team meeting, figure out what the next step is. Whatever it is, facts are more powerful than anger. Perhaps your son's teachers may need to learn that same lesson.

Good Luck,
Larry

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What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Blog in by adding your comments to this post, or email me directly at LarryHochman@SBCGlobal.net and let us know.

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